Talking someone out of suicide

May 13, 2019

“You’ve got a very colorful past, Lisa,” said the manager from the opposite side of the table. After an hour and a half at yet another job interview, he dismissed her, leaving her without even a glimmer of hope as she walked out of the building.

Each step made her weary as she feared being thrown out again. The little she had was barely enough to sustain her for the next few months.

A series of events in her life—a painful childhood as an abuse victim, domestic violence in both her marriages, and how David had left her four months ago without notice—clouded her mind and stabbed her heart with immense pain as she contemplated the thought of turning to family for assistance.

Her second marriage had failed just like the first. However, it wasn’t as devastating as the first, when she lost both her children in a bitter divorce. This thought echoed in her mind, with voices ringing clear of how her first daughter, Carolyn, sat at the table with her nappy smothered in dough while she baked cookies. Or the moment when she brought home her second daughter, Lean—the excitement, the laughter, and how she used to tie a towel around her neck, pretending to be the children’s favorite Marvel comic hero, Superman, chasing them around the house while they giggled.

Swinging open the door to a six-by-ten-foot empty room—which she rented after selling nearly all the furniture and electrical items from her previous house with David to sustain herself—she sat on the cold marble floor.

Her stomach was in knots, her throat dry, and her heart palpitating faster than usual.

“You’re useless and pathetic. You’ve lost everything. No family, no children, no friends. If you died, no one would mourn your death,” said the voice in her head.

The voices within her were ruthless and wouldn’t let go. Sobbing, she reached for the box cutter and decided that it was the best course of action to end her pain.

Non-judgmental listening
This situation may sound familiar to you, or you may know someone who has lost their battle in life after years of struggling. Although modern society has gadgets within arm's reach, we live in a world that is increasingly isolated, often viewing those who are emotionally distressed as weaklings and shutting them out.

Befrienders, which offers non-judgmental listening, is a 24-hour telephone helpline that has been operating in Malaysia since 1970.

Operating every day in eight centers across the country, the call center provides emotional support to those who are distressed or suicidal.

“Our vision is to live in a world where fewer people want to end their lives. We aim to alleviate distress by offering non-judgmental listening to those who are troubled. Our hope is that individuals do not progress to greater problems, leading to feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, despair, and suicide,” said Justin Victor, Chairman of Befrienders Kuala Lumpur.

24,000 calls as of 2018
In recent years, the number of calls the center received has been spiraling upward.

“We’ve had 20,000 to 21,000 calls, and in the last three years, it was 21,500 calls in 2016, 22,000 in 2017, and 24,000 in 2018. Additionally, email inquiries have also increased—from a few hundred initially to 6,000 last year, with an average of 500 emails coming in each month,” explained Justin.

He added that emails are a preferred way of reaching out for certain groups of people, especially younger individuals who prefer to write rather than talk on the phone.

“For that reason, we have been training and preparing several of our Befrienders within our organization to respond and help, essentially befriending through writing—via email.”

Types of calls
“We receive calls from all ages and races. Our operation is non-sectarian, non-religious, and not aligned with any specific philosophies. The whole objective is to lend an ear—doing active listening—with those who call in. This has attracted a largely English-speaking audience, as well as speakers of other vernaculars such as Bahasa Malaysia, Tamil, and Chinese.

Fifty percent of callers are below the age of 40, and 15% are under 20, which means there are teenagers as young as 14 or 15 years old who are already calling in.

Common problems
While revealing that most callers present issues related to relationships, mental health, family, job, social difficulties, or battling an illness, Justin emphasized that 35% of them have suicidal ideation—either thinking about or having thought of wanting to end their life.

“Thirty-five percent is a significant number out of 24,000 per year. Daily, there are 60 to 70 calls. It doesn’t seem like there is a fixed pattern for when there are more calls. Weekends have about the same number, whether it’s a holiday or not—it seems to average around the same.

“Night calls, available around the clock, often relate to problems with insomnia.”

A typical call
The common thread for callers, he said, is feeling alone, having no one to talk to, and just needing someone to listen without judgment.

“It’s a matter of loneliness, feeling isolated, compounded by all the other challenges they are facing—a sense of hopelessness and helplessness.

“People call us because there is no one else they can talk to—someone with whom they can open up and share their deepest issues without fear of judgment. All calls are completely confidential. They can call without giving their real name and have the right to end the call at any time. We don’t keep caller identifications because we don’t have their numbers, which allows many people the freedom to reach out.

“We don’t approach calls with problem-solving, as we cannot fully understand a person in a short call.

“A strong belief of ours is to help them express the emotional pain they are experiencing. We focus a lot on feelings—the depth of their pain—allowing people to talk and, hopefully, through that, provide some insight into what is happening in their lives. From that, they may be better able to deal with their issues. What better way is there than to empower someone and give them support while they feel lonely and unsupported by others?” he explained.

The duration of calls is not limited to a fixed amount of time; it varies according to each individual and the situation at hand.

Justin described typical calls as lasting 15 to 20 minutes, up to an hour or an hour and a half, depending on the depth of the issue and the need to talk more.

“If someone is actively suicidal or very close to wanting to take their life, those calls can last up to two hours. So, there is no real limit to the time,” he added.

This service is beneficial for people who are restricted by the amount of time professionals can give them. Again, Justin stressed that Befrienders do not pretend to be professionals of any kind.

“We do not intend to replace mental health professionals—psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors—but our role is adjunct or supplementary for those times when individuals cannot reach or see a mental health professional or for some reason haven’t even started to see one. That’s where our role comes in.”

Public education
Public education is another central part of Befrienders, as these are preemptive and proactive measures to prevent people from deteriorating to the point of despair. Talks on various aspects of mental health are regularly held in communities, colleges, universities, schools, non-governmental organizations, and corporate bodies to create awareness while teaching simple skills on how to help themselves and others.

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Talking someone out of suicide

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