Overcoming parental alienation: A story of faith, struggle and heartache 

July 10, 2023
Contributed by Rachel Lourdes
Growing up, my life took an unexpected turn when my mother converted to another religion. She immersed my sister and me in this faith, enforcing strict religious practices upon us. Blinded by her devotion, she believed that God would provide material blessings if we put Him first. Unfortunately, this led us into severe poverty, where even basic necessities like proper food were scarce.

As the eldest daughter, the responsibility fell on me to take up a part-time job after school to help my mother pay rent and put food on the table. Despite her youth and fitness, she decided to dedicate her time to preaching the religion, neglecting the financial needs of my sister and me. This burden forced me to work even harder, and eventually, I sought an escape from the overwhelming weight of mothering my own parent.

A marriage of convenience: Seeking liberation from the past
My path took an unexpected turn when, at the age of 21, I decided to escape the burdens imposed by my abusive mother. I married a man who identified with the same faith, although he was an irregular worshipper and only joined us occasionally. There was no love between us; our marriage was simply a means to escape the hardships inflicted by my mother.

In due time, I gave birth to two daughters. Initially, my husband worked while I stayed home, caring for our children. To supplement our income, I registered a home business and engaged in baking chicken, turkeys, cakes, festive cookies, and flower arrangements for companies. Though we faced financial struggles, we managed to make ends meet.

Relocating for hope: Chasing stability amidst religious pressure
However, our circumstances took a downturn when my husband suddenly decided to relocate our entire family to a different state. Once again, we found ourselves facing financial difficulties, with little support from the religious group we belonged to, except for their persistent pressure to attend religious meetings. Faced with stark poverty, I made the decision to secure a job, seeking a glimmer of hope in my life. Along this journey, I found solace in another faith and converted, seeking to break free from the confines of the organized religious group.

To my horror, my husband filed for divorce and obtained custody of both our children. Torn by the separation, I reluctantly agreed to transfer a monthly allowance to ensure the well-being of our daughters. However, unbeknownst to me, their father distorted the truth, painting me as an uncaring parent who had abandoned them. Despite my efforts to maintain visitation and frequent contact, he decided to leave our children in the care of his new wife, who lived in a different country, effectively cutting off all communication and visitation rights. For six long years, I was separated from my daughters until their return in late 2018. By then, they had grown into young adults, and our relationship had been irreversibly altered.

Reuniting with grown daughters, yet as strangers
Though I was allowed to spend time with them during the day and return them at night, they viewed me more as a friend than as a mother. Their closeness had shifted towards their stepmother, and I struggled with this new dynamic. Our visits, continued until recently when an incident occurred with my second daughter. I sternly advised her to focus on acquiring practical skills instead of blindly relying on faith alone, believing that it would equip them to navigate the real world successfully. This admonishment seemed to upset her, and upon her return, both my eldest daughter, aged 22, and my second daughter, aged 19, blocked me on all social media platforms and WhatsApp communication.

​The manipulative influence of a father and stepmother
Unfortunately, due to the circumstances surrounding our divorce when they were only 6 and 3 years old, my daughters have been manipulated to view me as a toxic and unfit parent, all thanks to the false narrative painted by their father and stepmother, whom I have never had the chance to meet. I find myself grappling with the consequences of parental alienation, desperately yearning for a chance to rebuild our bond and heal the wounds that have divided our family.

Parental alienation is a distressing phenomenon that occurs when a child is manipulated or influenced against one of their parents, leading to the erosion of their relationship. In my case, my ex-husband and his wife seized the opportunity to exploit the narrative, portraying me as an unfit and unloving parent. This misinformation deeply affected my children, who were separated from me for six years. Upon their return, our relationship was strained, and they viewed me more as a friend than a mother.

Parental alienation and coping strategies
As a parent facing parental alienation, it's essential to take proactive steps towards rebuilding the bond with your children. Here are some strategies that can be helpful:

Open communication: Express your genuine love and concern for your children. Initiate open and honest conversations, encouraging them to express their feelings without judgment. Reassure them that you are always there to listen and support them.

Seek professional help: Consider family counseling or therapy sessions to address the emotional wounds caused by parental alienation. A skilled therapist can guide you and your children towards healing and reconciliation.

Patience and understanding: Rebuilding trust takes time. Be patient and understanding, acknowledging the pain your children may have endured due to the alienation. Avoid engaging in negative or confrontational behavior that may further strain the relationship.

Focus on their well-being: Demonstrate your genuine concern for your children's happiness, growth, and success. Encourage their personal development, support their goals and aspirations, and provide a nurturing environment that fosters their overall well-being.

Document and gather evidence: If the parental alienation continues or escalates, document any instances or evidence that can support your case. Consult with a family law attorney to explore legal options to protect your rights as a parent.

Respect boundaries: While it may be challenging, respect the boundaries set by your children, especially if they are currently closer to the other parent or step parent. Allow them the space to process their emotions and make their own decisions, while still making it known that you are available whenever they need you.

Parental alienation is a painful and complex issue that can have long-lasting effects on both parents and children. As a parent, it is crucial to navigate this challenging situation with empathy, resilience, and a commitment to rebuilding the parent-child relationship. By fostering open communication, seeking professional help, and prioritizing your children's well-being, you can work towards healing the wounds caused by parental alienation and create a stronger bond with your children, grounded in love, trust, and understanding. Remember, it's never too late to rebuild and forge a meaningful relationship with your children, even in the face of adversity.

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